LDS Church Rejects “Holy Coma” as Official Term for Scriptural Phenomenon

By Cory Bickmore

PERTH, Western Australia – No thanks. That’s the LDS Church’s message to George Crooksport of Perth’s Sunnyside Ward.

The Church has denied his request to officially dub the phenomenon where Book of Mormon figures find faith and forgiveness while unconscious the “Holy Coma.”
 
Distraught over the result, Crooksport, 60, says, “But, that’s exactly what it is! It’s holy. It’s a coma. Do I have to spell it out? H-O-L-Y-C-O-M-A!”
 
For weeks, Crooksport has headed the one-man campaign for official sanction ever since the phrase jumped into his head while napping through a sacrament talk on Alma. It astounded him no one had “bothered slapping a name” on such a recognizable occurrence in the nearly 200 years since the Book of Mormon’s publication.
 
He says, “King Lamoni, his wife, his father, their servants, Ammon, wicked Alma—they all fall into the Holy Coma. You can’t turn a page without running into it. Everyone’s collapsing all over the place.”
 
In fact, Crooksport once believed he experienced the Coma himself. “I was finishing a bowl of Choc-o-Block ice cream while watching the telly, when, without warning, I felt a searing pain in my head followed by darkness and silence. I couldn’t see or speak for two minutes.

He added, "Turns out it was brain freeze and a cut power line. Still, the experience did increase my faith.”
 
This isn’t Crooksport’s first go at naming things. He worked tirelessly to name a stray cat his CTR-B class had let loose during Sharing Time. When rumors swirled in 2014 about a possible split of Sunnyside Ward, he submitted forty-three ward name ideas to his stake president via text message. And expectant mothers throughout the stake have long learned to expect the quiet appearance of tailor-made lists of baby names in the post.
 
“He’s thoughtful” said Ryder S. Ryda, Perth’s stake president. “As a bicycle messenger downtown, Brother Crooksport has time to think. A lot of time.”
 
President Ryda, while sympathetic to the Holy Coma cause, also reminds members to stand by Church decisions. “Remember: If it’s not in Handbook 2, then what you say just isn’t true. Except Handbook 1. That’s also true.”
 
A crestfallen Crooksport blames the setback on Utah Mormons. “They get to make up all the words.”

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