BYU Ends Rivalry Once and for All by Purchasing University of Utah

By Cory Bickmore

SALT LAKE CITY, Utah – If you can’t beat ‘em, buy ‘em.

Tired of losing to its rival up north, the Brigham Young University Board of Trustees ended its “Ute football problem” today by purchasing the entire University of Utah for an unprecedented $17.7 billion.

Utah president David W. Pershing confirmed the sale at a joint press conference with BYU president Kevin J. Worthen. “They bought it all: every building, every asset, every educational and sports program, even the hospital. I’ve never seen anything like it. Guess they showed us.”
 
Thus the unimaginable has become reality: come next fall, the University of Utah will close its doors for good as the valley says hello to the new BYU Marriage, Family, and Elementary Education Extension Campus.
 
“This is a great day for the Y,” Worthen says. “No more losing 54-10 at LaVell Edwards Stadium. No more game-tying field goals hitting the upright. No more losing 34 to something three years in a row. Wow. I think I’m going to cry.”
 
Pershing adds, “Now comes the U’s next, great chapter, where the Utes will rise and shout as loyal Cougars. This historic sale injects a big, fat dose of Provo right into the heart of Salt Lake City. Get set to spring!”
 
Preparations for the campus conversion are already underway, as BYU Physical Facilities Division has ordered colossal quantities of blue upholstery and paint.
 
“There’s an awful lot of red to replace,” explains Worthen. “That’s the color of anger. Our new campus must discover the serenity blue provides, like it does at Wal-Mart, or the post office.”
 
Even the university’s famous block U high on its mountain perch won’t escape the change. “That lonely little letter’s getting some friends,” says Worthen. “B and Y will be keeping it company real soon.”
 
Of course, BYU will absorb Utah’s existing departments, including academic and sports programs. The Cougs will play two home games per season up north in the freshly renamed Steve Young Stadium, and the popular Mighty Utah Student Section, a.k.a. MUSS, will go forward as the Happy Pioneer Apricot Tree Brigade.
 
Utah sophomore Dirk Shriver, 19, doesn’t like any of this.
 
“Who will we hate now?” he asks. “Now we have to vandalize our own statues on game day. This is so not fair.”
 
Despite such attitudes, Worthen encourages U students to transfer to the new BYU-MFEEEC.
 
“They’re absolutely welcome to stay,” he says. “In fact, we’ll make it worth their while with a free $100 BYU Store gift card once they’ve signed the Honor Code.”
 
While all these changes will take time, the community’s reaction has not. Within minutes, the University of Utah earned a new nickname on social media: We-Bought-U.

None of this fazes Worthen.
 
“Now we can turn our attention to whipping Utah State. Unless they start beating us a lot—then we’ll buy them, too.”

NOTE - We wrote this fictional news article for fun, a gentle, equal-opportunity ribbing of both the Y and the U. As always, we encourage you to comment, however, any abusive or profane comments will be deleted. Cheers!

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